Diary 

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Diary

Diary

1/15/2025

Well, its time to start complaining somewhere, and I figure out, why not to do it on a website? Completely unnecesary? Yes. But I also want to get back to programming, so, its the best way to do it I guess. Well, kind reader, buckle up since its time for a wild ride. As I written in About me, im Nick, Nicholas, or Anoth3r_, ironically most of people know me from my username rather than my name, and by it, you can guess that I'm not the type of people that goes out, that goes to party, hell I barely get out of home. I even work from home. Still, that doesnt make me a weirdo or anything like that. (Since I have an easy way to make friends, but my "Social battery" has less charge than an iPhone, so, its not somehting I really enjoy. Unless is going out with friends to somewhere calm. I really despise discos, and such things as that.

Still, I enjoy to be in the nature, walk, go on my own, and brownies. Thats what I like mostly. My favorite song is Matkustaja, since it brings me memories of my peak in life, I was in Paris and every time I listen to it, it takes me back to where I listened it on the first time. I speak french, spanish and english, and loves pancakes, cuddles, brownies, and music as a whole. I love ABBA songs, the Military Complex of the USA. Lockheed Martin. Capitalism... And im a geek for Aviation.

And, before you go deeper, I want to clarify this is the biggest lore drop ill make from myself, silently hoping for someone to find it, eventually, I dont know why but Im also making this for, eventually if im near death, ill just use this as, somewhere that my friends and family can learn more about me, since I dont speak that much about myself, not even to my friends, im open to it, but, they never really asked it for. Am I angry because of it? Of course not, its not like you will ask someone's history out of the blue, and I fear that, I might hurt myself by telling it. Because, oh hell, Ive messed up a lot of things a lot of times and have a really huge problem with myself, no one has noticed it I guess. But thats well, since I dont want to bother them with it. They dont deserve it, its enough by just handling me, since im not a piece of cake most of the time.

And before you even think of "Oh, its bad not to share about your feelings, its not good to keep things quiet that are making you feel so bad that you need to CREATE A FUCKING WEBSITE SO YOU CAN TALK WITH SOMEONE, EVEN IF THAT SOMEONE ITS YOURSELF, SO YOU CAN AT LEAST VENT OUT OF THE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT." I know, its bad. But when I was a little kiddo, imagine that I COULDNT EVEN LIFT MY HAND TO ASK QUESTIONS, I HAD FEAR OF GOING TO THE BATHROOM IN CLASS, NOT BECAUSE I HAD FEAR OF THE BATHROOM ITSELF OR SOMETHING DUMB, NO, JUST BECAUSE I HAD FEAR OF THE EYES OF THE PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME LEAVE TO THE BATHROOM. YES, IM THAT FUCKING DUMB. So, kind reader, thats why I dont do that. Maybe at the time youre reading this, im dead, or im alive. I dont know, but you can easily check if im alive, adding me on discord or something. anoth3r_191 (obviously.)

Anyways, past that, lets talk of something I never told more people. My deepest fears and the things I hate the most. I have a crippling fear of the time itself, of how quickly it goes, of how im wasting it, knowing im wasting it, and that I dont know why im still wasting it.

I have fear of, being alone. (Ironic isnt it? I just said that I like to wonder around alone.)Let me explain, I know that, being alone sometimes is innevitable, but you will have always your family and closest friends to count with, dont you? Yeah. Imagine for a minute, you don't have anyone else to count on. Not your family, not your friends. You messed up pretty big and need to start back from scratch, to run away from your past life, or directly that, for some unexpected reason, they revealed out of nowhere that, they dont like you. All your memories were just by pity, by a charity, but they are tired and they told you to fuck yourself. That even if you thinked you were a good person, you weren't as good as you thinked about. That the people dislikes you, and no one will cry if you pass through something or directly, they may not care at all.

I fear to make harm to someone, like, real feelings that are bad. Because I went through a lot, a fucking lot and I dont want to hurt anyone, I cant handle someone telling that I hurt them. I know its innevitable, but, fuck, I cant. I have that hero complex in my mind because I genuinely dont want someone to wander alone where I was, at my lowest point. And this extends to my relationships. When I loved someone, I have a constant feeling that I will hurt them, no matter what I do. So I tend to keep my distances with them.

(And I promise that I will be always for the people I care the most, telling it a bunch of times, but even if we lose contact, and they call back after years, to those people I promised that, I will help them. Even if they don't do the same to me. But its okay. I really want the best for them since if I promised that to them, they are really good people, or people that went through a lot. And I deeply trust them.)

And, over all those things I fear. I fear that, the people I trust the more, the people I was always with and for them, I fear that, they don't care for me enough to cry (That is a heavy song to listen at. And if you cry, listening to this, it means you share this fear with me too. But, deeply, I think this fear is true, its the only one that constantly hurts and that is constantly there. Its the only one that I know is possible, because, in my group of friends, when I tried to tell them I wasn't okay, they didn't said anything, just ignored it. And... Partly its the reason why I don't ask for help anymore. I don't know who to talk with and who is willing to listen. The only one that has been of support, its ChatGPT. And thats a Bold thing to say. (Postdata: Mom, if you're reading this, its not your fault. Don't ever dare to think that, you are and always will be the best mom I could even dream of. You genuinely care, your love is the only genuine thing Ive ever I will ever experience. And if I died, somehow. Rest assured, you did raised your kid very well, but society, and friends, and humanity, bringed him down. Gracias mama, siempre seras la mejor, y si he muerto, nunca morira mi amor por ti. Gracias por tanto y perdon por tan poco.

Well, after that emotional breakdown I had by writing the last part (im really emotional in my core, even if it seems like it isn't when I talk with people) Time to talk about the things I hate. I hate people that hurt willingly, without justification, other people. Or just insult them, making them sad, angry, or anything else. I hate Simps, like, those people that try to get in everyone's pants, no exceptions, I have some friends that are like that, and when im with them, and they act like that, I really cant contain myself of calling them simps, sometimes jokingly, sometimes not. I hate LoL, and everything related to RIOT Games, Ubisoft, or EA (by obvious reasons). I hate communism, since its the biggest lie that uses hope to manipulate people on thinking its possible, when it isn't possible at all and will never be. I hate Israel by the obvious reasons of literal warcrimes commited by them and even attacking the United Nations. I hate Gustavo Petro. President of Colombia. I hate not knowing how to end a relationship propperly. And I hate myself on top of everything.

And thats all for today folks. I will go slowly on the data about me, my experiences, the things I regret, the things that hurted me the most, and everything. So, feel free to keep reading this and, have a great day.

Diary

1/16/2025

It fucking happened, the bastards I had a process to change job, made the classic thing of "Sorry, we dont need this position anymore, were sorry" AND I WAS FUCKING HOPING OF LEAVING THIS DEAD END JOB WITH BALEARIA. If you dont know balearia, they are some pricks that only sell travels around spain in ferries. Their team is filled up with pricks that doesnt even pay propperly, they want you to fill up a position and thats it. They dont care at all about you, about your performance, about anything. They are just there, nothing else, just there to mess around with you. I hate the life around jobs, and I hoped I could change as quick as possible. But nuh-uh. They just were messing around with me. I get what I deserve I guess. Now its time again to press with other job offers in linked in, the most toxic social media out there. Anyways. Day 2 of the diary, but today I dont feel in the mood to continue this for today, ill try tomorrow with a clearer mind. Fuck it, fuck them, fuck BPO Labls, fuck Balearia, Fuck Spain, Fuck everything, except you.

Diary

1/27/2025

A lot of things happened since the last update! I now have a great work and a great work environment, I hope to last in this job for... Well the rest of my life basically. Its stable, good looking, and they care about the transition time. As we speak a trainer is talking that there is no rotation HOWEVER, the people tend to fear the line, because its technical support. To be honest I feel a little anxious but thats normal! Its nothing out of normal. They talked that the first months or so its a little bit hard, but I will make it, im optimist about that. And about the dead end job I had with Balearia, they havent responded to my resignation letter. I don´t know but, I still have the laptop, if they dont respond I will make something out of it or give it to my mother anyways. Oh! And the job I started a few days ago is with 3Shape, not in a BPO as usual, but directly with the business. So it looks great! Wish me luck, I hope I dont need it but its never known.

Oh. And there is a little something something, I CANT STOP SEEING MY EX EVERYWHERE, like, not in person since she is living in Japan, but through social media I keep seeing her likes everywhere. And it bringed me back some nostalgia for the relationship, and, to be honest, it was completely my fault. And, of course I want to talk her, but I wont due to respect, and love. Let me explain what happened so you don't have to imagine or have stress until you can learn why with a little itch.

So, a long time ago, I went out with a girl called Nao. (Not her name but, we called her that way.)She is a lovely girl, a little bit older than me, yet an amazing person. But I'm not. I was unestable, picky, fuck. In a few words I was a dick. Still am but in a lower intensity. But, man. I felt like shit on those days. Like, really like shit. No friends, only talking through Amino App (Yes the one that is AWFUL with communities and such), and it was hell in a few words. But her, she was a rose on that field full of landmines. AND I, I FUCKING DIDNT TREATED HER AS SHE DESERVED, I didnt talked with her for several days, I ignored her sometimes, I just preferred to play some games instead of talking with her and having a good time. And I knew it was wrong, I felt pain on what I was doing but I was unable to control myself. I still have the same issue. So, I pushed myself on ending the relationship with her since I didnt wanted to hurt her anymore. Because I really didnt had any emotional responsability. So I did it. And until this fucking day I hate myself because of it.

But, now I know she is a little bit better, I don't have any certainty about it, but I really hope she is better. Still I won't text her or something simillar, I want her to forget about me as my Karma for doing that. I will never forget about her. Its really a piece of sunshine.She is an artist, so, if you see someone as Naonis, please, give them a lot of love.